I have so many doubts about this undertaking – some so strong they wake me up at night. I thought maybe processing some of them in this platform (that hardly anyone reads, I’m afraid – “No one reads blogs anymore, Mom”) might help lessen them.

Most importantly, I doubt that I’ll be able to get all fifty kids sponsored. There it is – the looming lack of faith and fear that overcomes me as I scroll through the profiles of all fifty kids. Fifty is not really a big number. I mean, I have lived almost fifty years, have at least fifty friends (I think?) and have picked John’s socks off the floor at least that many times. But….fifty lives? Fifty sweet somewhat-strangers who don’t even know yet that we are trying to do this for them? Fifty children’s faces that I have cut out and carry around with me in a little baggie as a reminder of my commitment? What if I don’t raise enough for each child? How does one choose any child over another if there’s not enough? Yes, Doubt creeps in.  Actually, sometimes it just busts the door down and makes itself comfortable.

I also doubt that I will be able to bike that far. This is at least something I am somewhat in control of. I can train, train, train and hope that injuries stay away. But what if we do get injured? Hit by a car? Can’t find a place to sleep? My longest bikepacking trip so far was only 300 km and I think I cried every day at various points. I hope John is prepared to motivate a hot mess through everything that comes our way. So far, he’s got a perfect track record in this department.

Another serious and more profound doubt that I’ve been wrestling with is that I might be hurting those very children that I am trying to help. I don’t want to take away the dignity of the hard-working mothers, aunties and grandmothers who sacrifice everything to provide for their children but come up short. Will this project do that? Is this an actual step towards alleviating poverty for these families? I want these children to feel empowered to do anything and to fiercely pursue their dreams, but will this just make them dependent on others? I really don’t know the answer to this and it’s a struggle for me to be sure. I think about it a lot.

But doing nothing about a situation that we can do something about is not an option in this story. I just have to accept that Doubt is a main character in the plot and hope that the protagonists keep him in check. The poet, Kahlil Gibran, said that “Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” Isn’t that the truth…